it's the last day of January
so let's celebrate with studying bio eww
we can drown our sorrows during chi new year
wahlao i dont get angbao
tsk tsk tsk wahlao

having completed my studies on bio
i feel happy but also unprepared
not in the least tempted to ask the qns which is weird
maybe i have started adapting denise's policy of doing tests by my own ability
if everyone does that, the whole world would be a better place
but what shit. like who will do that?
at least i dont ask right?
i wait for ppl to volunteer to tell me
that's even worst. ):

oh well life sucks
at least tml marks the end of our relay for now
the worst has yet to begin
i know
anyway i alr injected immunisations last year dec (:
it's going to be a long relay...
but one month is over alr
SO FAST~
i learnt not to be over-complacent
study to my best effort
and not blame myself too much for the mistakes i make
not to slack like now :P

im like so damn slack
wonder if i can still keep my A1s
of course it's a must (:
everything's geared for O levels

first thing to start improving is my english!
like i will get A2 for my hcl like that
it's damn hard obviously
i can get B3 alr contented alr
get A2 omg that's a miracle thanks yea
get A1 OMG suddenly i became so good in languages
start improving my eng now!
i dont read duh
that's a bad thing
apparently i only read textbooks now
that's such a disappointment
oh well
time to sleep (:
zzzzz

feeling relieved and happy now
for some reason (:
there's still doubts to me
but i believe in you i guess

today was chemistry mugging day for me
i know the subject i study first is a bit weird
but oh well
i dragged on too long
till now my revision is not over yet
guess it's looks like im studying for midyear exams more likely
tml i'll study geog then highlight bio
or else im going to die (:
ive not been planning my time well enough
okay planned very badly
i play too much
sleep too much
can't imagine i slept at 10pm ytd
i dint bathe and i just slept the moment i saw my bed
touched the pillow and slept
guess shopping was even more tiring for me than study
i went to the john little sales under winnie's recommendation
it's a good recommendation
coz my mom will nvr bring me here
why? coz she prefers OG
omg like wad's so good about that place?
i practically hate that place coz i went there every week for the past few years
i even know where's everything
so damn cool yea?
oh well those were good old days

i bought clothes again
coz we can't wear red
although i bought a pinkish-orange one
it looks reddish to me
OMG the worst thing is i dont get angbaos this year
fuck fuck fuck
coz my grandma passed away
wad crap
there'll still be money
like $2 from each one from my maternal side
coz they are not as well-off
but for my paternal side it's a complete different matter
the angbao money starts jumping from the price of at least $4
mean amount is about $10
highest amount is $24
i love that aunt a lot
although im not that close to her
but at least it's the closest lol
so amount collected it's quite a lot
this year i think
angbao money wont even reach $100
there used to be at least $300 sth
oh what fuck
what use will there be with me sitting over there staring at ppl?
i use to sit there and say thanks as i received angbaos
so cool lah i feel like im king wakaka
now no more
no reunion dinner also
sian although it's not fun too
but there's good food
got shark fin soup wor~
i feel so cruel (:
the expenditure is really a lot
there are 3 tables
see my family so big (:
but the problem is communication breakdown
each table can gather up to at least a few hundred
but who cares?
the company pays for it
family business passed down
my pa's a director wor (:
hope he can just take and sell his shares
company cum office cum family politics

really i can't stand it
a few months back
my mom said i will go in that company to work
coz i have special relations
what fuck
since when did i say i wanted to go there?
that place is so disgusting
it sounds like im begging to get myself in there?
omg pls i wan to be a psychiatrist can?
like who cares for that place.
even my parents are wanting to leave
okay like since they heard me getting scholarship
the $500 one
the prove that im like the elite ones (:
they wan me in that company
what shit
they are trying to cover my talent in that filfty place
argh feel so angry now
im a tool seriously?

suddenly i thought of sth
today i found ants in our mecedes car
how cool
i used to find a small cockroach coming out of that seatbelt hole
apparently i dont use the seatbelt
and hence it's the best place to fest over there eww
since dont know when i found an adult one
a real adult one that's disgusting
it started crawling over my leg
i dint scream
i started ranting at my mom first
before i could kill it, it escaped
my mom's eating too much food in the car
although we do too, it's my mom attracting those pest
suddenly i tot of mr chee
the last time we sat in his car during sec 2
we ate in his car
me, amanda, ml to be exact
by had dizi tsk
and mr chee said this was his first time he allows ppl to eat in his car
coz it was quite urgent
the reason being he was afraid of pests
and the first pest got attracted into the car...
coz we ate in his car :X
paiseh arh mr chee
that cockroach was exterminated ya
by dont know who maybe me
coz i dont scream unless with a good reason (:

feeling happy yet doubtful now
oh well i believe in you i guess
i have to (:
i changed back to my black specs again
time for history~

'O' level result release.
oh.
i got a A1 for chinese
distinction for oral
dint feel happy when i knew that i had made it
just like wad ml said
relieved more than happy i guess
but oh well
my heart still feels heavy though
this entire thing here is not to shoot anyone
so no offence

after today's session,
i made out my goal for my results.
7 points.
confirm minus 2 points now
then another 2 more points.
left 3 points!
okay i worked this out long ago.

im getting crazier by the days
after looking at the ppt
i wanna see my name on the first slide with the names
then must must must be the first name.
wakaka
this is damn crazy lah.
think must probably i'll be pulled down by language and humanities
so im working fucking hard on them now
maybe i forgot about my science and maths alr
it's deproving
omg fuck
oh well
haven study for the upcoming tests yet
dont know why im still reading history
argh maybe im only keen on those i wanna improve
think im drifting far from my dear chemistry and biology

chem
emaths
amaths
geog
bio
combine humanities
hcl
eng

this is the list that i have in mind
of the most easiest to get overcome to the hardest
oh well
o level is coming.
it's always coming.

dint fulfil my wish of seeing guys cry.
but feeling heavy since not everyone made it
come on.
there's nothing to be worried about.
mr fong only what. oops.

contented now i guess
i finally broke the wadeva

i'll be a psychiatrist yea
that's all.

i had my fun of kicking.
so no kick lah.

eh eh eh
im not emo kia
say that again
i'll kick your asshole
tsk im not emo lah
okay im going back to study for a maths
lest i have the same regrets as e maths test
again i read and haven practised yet
but oh well, over complacency sucks.
but confidence must be there yea.
okay my shortest post ever.
bye.
off to my a maths~
(:

dont mind my bad temper lately
i get agitated by the littlest stuff
get sad over the stupidest things
can't stand and tolerate when ppl bully me anymore

maybe because im stressed out or sth
but the fact is im not even feeling any pressure from studies
i kinda started adopting the dont care lah method
tsk tsk tsk not following my policy ):

first i can finally understand where my problem is
i simply just can't forgive my mistakes.
i can easily forgive and forget others' mistakes
but definitely not mine.

let's take a maths for example.
i can't do it by myself to reach the time limit.
i get irritated, agitated, fucked up.
so i resorted to copying. blindly.
the word blindly is the crucial expression to why im so angry.
i have never copied blindly before.
even if i copy, it's reference. really just looking at wad's the method then trying it myself
im angry at myself for doing the 'wrong' thing
in the end, i was bloated with anger to even continue with lunch.
i really mean no offence not having lunch with you all
is just that i wanna have some peace, not disrupting your happiness as well
it's enough that only i have such perfectionist's psychology.

next is winnie drawing on my uniform.
yea im angry ):
and i drew lots of these ): on my chem paper.
angry not because winnie drew on my shirt.
because it's not washable to my fucking washing machine.
or rather the washing powder that is useless.
angry with myself for not being able to keep my uniform clean.

simply saying, im just too much for myself.
i over-request myself.
i really can't stand the littlest spot of mistake i make in my life.
ultimately, im not emo please.
im just expecting too much of myself.
dont say im emo.
im turning to the violent side.
i kick.

i read the website about the starsigns stuff.
im scorpio and i find what it says quite true.
im not born a man ):
less restriction-more opportunity
okay and i find some of them quite true
that's all.

still in search of my personality
it's ever changing i guess.
i like guys that are older and more mature than me.
lol (:
dont say im emo
i kick.
im fine really.

tsk it was supposed to be a secret
so can't blog.
so disappointing ):
but nvm i can say somethings (:
baoyi my dear brave girl, tell you to be castle princess you don't wan
in the end you were grabbing on to my neck with your arm
did you know i was almost strangled to death by you.
i was laughing breathlessly
and yet you were strangling me ._.
i forgive you (:

one good thing i can compliment myself on
i forgive baoyi for almost making me fly to heaven
i tot winnie was the only the knew how to grab
oh well

looks like only i and ml can laugh at winnie alone
i totally agree with her
winnie, you are the joke. :DDD
and i dint know ml knew how to grab ppl too.
do i look like a pole?
i think so lol

ya im good influence.
very good influence.
look at gb.
her marks are higher than mine now (:
at least i feel happy for her.
anyway, i got a 17/25
feeling happy.
although obviously dint meet my expectation of 24/25 :P
but i do know where i stand
omg i suck at statistics
i have no idea why im so bad at it
maybe it's just like electricity of physics
OMG i just can't get that right. ok never.
it's like 9 marks calculation and got zero 000 0:
how cool. i just suck at some stuff.
wadeva. how many qns can they come up on statistics for 'O'?
oh ya. i got 17. i was happy yet disappointed.
mr lai asked me why, as what i expected.
i was more scared of him than the mark.
he asked WHY?
i simply dismissed it with a NOT GOOD AT STATISTICS.
maybe the expectations set for me are much higher.
sky-high i guess
oh ya im adding 1 mark.
so it's 18. :DDD
but i havent really seen the mark there yet
so it feels false.
but at least it's a A2 (:

next test is a maths.
heavy topics to study for.
very heavy.
yet im still complacent about it.
havent study for it yet.
maybe im just more suitable for technical stuff rather than thinking ones
so most probably i'll just have to get F9 for thinking exams
i can do complicated ones more easily than thinking ones (:
oh well complacency led to the downfall of...
come on..gogogo~
maybe because im placing more attention to those stuff i dint do well at
like humanities and languages
so im putting more effort now.
havent seen what are the results yet.
it's so sad to get B3 for EL then A2 for HCL
but oh well...i'll have A2 for EL for 'O'
HCL can get B3 or B4 alr very good.
CL must get A1. or else the previous is nothing.

i must develop holistically. sounds like mr chua :P
im more maths and science than languages and humanities.
im more DnT than home econs.
and i like dnt better coz im the only one getting A1. haha.
okay just that many many ppl scored badly in it.
home econs everyone scored well in it.
no difference. doesn't make me stand out ):
and i like dnt more. that's all. (:

i like to harp on the same subject again and again.
and my old habit is back.
habits die hard.
suddenly im so enthu in those subjects i score bad in.
ok not bad. not to my standard.
which it A1
i feel damn sad to get A2 for humanities
just because i screwed my SS SBQ.
i like SEQ better.
somehow i think i'll be more prepared for 'O' than EOY exams
coz im alr carrying the psychology that im alr going to sit for it alr.
maybe im over-reacting. who cares?
handling my stress really well now.
coz i feel relaxed and can still blog.
just feeling empty if i have nothing to do.
yea, i'll simply sleep.
i feel sleepy at 10pm alr.
it's a surprise that i can sleep that early though.
1am used to be the time i sleep at during the holidays.
the panda eyes have appeared.

oh well sleep more then.
sweet dreams everyone.
dont laugh in your sleep.
sophisticated.

not the meaning of loner
but you have such a marvellous array of jokes to freeze ppl
sure no lack of friends (:
just dont freeze and stone all your friends :P
winnie..thought about it further and yea
you can make it, you will definitely have friends
you can make a friend that has a surname wong again (:
get it?
given your jovial and comical look,
even if your dress sense is not up to standard,
you can make friends too (:

im going to JC to make new friends
yay
so im going to work extra hard now
yea slacking too much lately
no idea why im not studying till the eve
bad habit i guess and i think the results can be seen from the first e maths test
i was struggling with the paper.
normally i wont flip the paper here and there
but maybe it's the first test so i was nervous ):
felt a little regretful not having to really understand the multiplication of matrix
i hate statistics!
i was alr stuck at the first qn
due to my complacency
and now, im still complacent
finally understand why complacency can lead to the downfall of ppl
from now onwards...
im going to be humble!
and bumble like a bee (:
come on diligent...come into my mind right now (:
gogogo
i wan 3 points!
hope my CL makes it.
my god.
i wan A1
gogogo
(:

i decided i'll be going JC permanently
thus i'll have to work extra hard now
figured out the main reason i'll be going poly will be..
finding my future spouse..lol
this will definitely aid me getting married before 25 lol
i and by went tp
and the funny thing is i hate the sch name
i told the bus driver
tampines poly instead of temasek poly..
oh dear
and i also like to say TPJC
coz TP just sounds empty
and it was great there, i reckon
it was raining cats and dogs and it flooded
it felt like i just came out of wild wild wet
the slippers were horribly soak
since they were alr wet, might as well be wet (:
then we were welcomed by this big group of ppl
so scary..
around 30 of them were shouting some cheer
got chio bu got yan dao ._.'''
i know that's true
because naturally their dress sense are better than ppl in JC
can't really differentiate who's who there
i can easily just 'hun' in
on the condition that i put on makeup :X
so the ppl at the entrance were alr enough to piss me off though
this tells me one thing...
you must definitely have a friend at poly
or else it's the end.
you are going to loner all 3 years.
get that winnie?
think gb will have no problem (:
it's okay to loner at JC coz mugging for exams are more ipt
while poly is more of groupwork so lonering is a dead end.
and yea, you must be damn enthu and sociable at poly
look at the ppl there.
they are too sociable, makes me scared.
think JC is more suitable for me (:
that's all.
it's either i go to a JC that has a lot of toilet gang members
or go to a JC where im the only ngee ann and start all over again
even if i wanna go poly, i'll go SP or NAP or NYP
just the better and bigger ones (:
TP's too small and i dont like the name (:
oh yea, go poly to find my spouse lol (:

the next thing of my entry
somehow linked to the previous one.
jobs for us
tot about my plan.
planA
study JC then uni then work for 3 years then my big plan (:
planB
study poly then forget about uni then just proceed with my big plan
planC
study JC then overseas uni at USA some western country then my big plan
my big plan is just to get married, open a shop lastly have children
planA is the most secured one.
even if something happens, i still have my certs (:
planB is the most risky one.
but if i alr have my own career, why would i care about certs?
but if my shop closes, that's the end of me as well..
planC is the cutest one
go overseas and get a angmoh back as my husband
they are more open right?
eh come on let's get married.. lol
but i like locals better (:
so i think i'll stick with planA
the weird thing is im more worried that im left on the shelf than have poor grades
oh well
just have very very very good grades to have more money if i can't have a man
still hoping to become a psychiatrist
i dont mind facing mental patients
this job sounds cool
cool (:

sick
and what heavy rain
wish i can be in the rain and be more sick
actually it isn't that bad
for i look like i just got tuberculosis
im coughing my way through out the day
and im coughing like siao when i get agitated
my nose is trickling down with yellowish mucus
that's not good
i prefer watery ones (:
im always getting woozy every now and then
and i am now
my head is all gushed up with blood
that it's so heavy for me to think about work
oh man this sucks
but absence from sch will only worsen my headache
when the work piles up fuck
and your brain rusts
tests are like waiting for me to do them...
but i just can't activate that energy to do them
i dint come to school coz i have funeral
not coz im sick
although i was about to do so today
but thinking of the tcher's faces
just see if i can make it to the toilet or not first
and i came to school
im not that sad over my paternal grandma's death
but it's more like maybe a good thing
she passed away like age of 90
that's like wow
given my diet and lifestyle
doubt i can even live past 70
oh ya
i just found my new aspiration in life
to be a grandma at 55
haha...
think my grandma become one at 50+
it's great to have so many children and grandchildren mouring for her
i have like 13 paternal cousins?
there are a few at china
my grandma was born in china
and the coolest thing is she experienced WWII
wow...i never had the chance to ask her
coz i can't speak cantonese
anyway, talking to her is less meaningless to her
she is so obvious in her favouritism over boys
very..extremely..
she left nothing for her daughters..
gave most of her money to the sons duh.
lucky my pa is the son (:
she has many jewelry..gold (:
and my relatives were like snatching them
but she said she only left them for...
the grandsons
apparently, im not.
i was a little upset about the whole favouritism thing
but oh well, i carry the same concept too (:
i dint bother to even look at them
since i dint had a part
mom grabbed like a handful of gold jewelry?
i was like MATERIALISTIC
why dont you donate all of them to charity?
since you are like donating the 'condolences money' to charity
it's like S$5,000+++
the entire is so wasteful and extravagant
why bother to spend some much money and resources
just to keep up with the face?
materialistic
there are like 61 flower stands
each costing from $200 to $400?
but i know the biggest 3 are worth $500.
siao lah...the entire street is filled with flowers
it's around like S$18,900...
waste money sia
there are also many blankets...
and really many...
that we just threw if we dont like the pattern
what's the world coming to?
just one funeral and so many resources are wasted

my pa and mom are so filial that they spent many nights there
okay 2 to be exact.
but each time we'll stay till 12am/1am
im bored stiff there
how can i communicate with cousins that have such huge age gap
some with 2 children alr...
some sucessful business woman and doctor (:
coz me and my bro are the youngest there
and i spent one night there
i slept on the first floor
coz it's a semi-detach (:
im like sleeping with the coffin within 2 metres
and the radio on the coffin practically pisses me off
it sings like only one sentence
which is damn slow
and repeats that pathetic sentence over and over and over again
i can't sleep with that pls
but i can't off it too
the second floor looks horribly scary
since both grandparent's rooms are there
my grandpa passed away peacefully while sleeping at 88 bah
so im a little scared to sleep there
when im sleeping alone and my bro is alr snoring like a train
wtf
we were sleeping on wood chairs
since the entire place was full of antiques
it's so hard to fall asleep
so i went out and stoned there
having ate chocolate waffle within 1 min after it's cooked after getting my $500 scholarship
i got sore throat..haha
thus i drank cold water and went out to enjoy the 3am cold wind
and i slept coz i really felt i was knocking off
the music suddenly became softer
coz my pa turned it down lol
and guess wad
i got sick the next day
and finally home..
saw the sofa and just lay on it
slept from 9.35am to 2pm
and again...to that horrible place again
i was stone'ing away again
and blah blah blah
the chanting part was the most most most fucking thing
he's chants non'stop for 2 hours
and we just sat there on the floor and stone
im sick alr...let me have some rest can?
i hate that religion
i find no idea why i should be doing all those
filial piety..haha..okay
then the day which i dint come to sch...monday
it was the burial day
and i have no idea why my tear glands were releasing tears out that readily
coz i can't stop once i start releasing?
so yea...i have bulging eyes later on..
the priest started chanting again
omg how i hate that guy
and the burial was fine
i dint cry anymore
we had burial for both my paternal grandparents
and it was such a coincidence that both their graves are just 100 metres apart
when my grandpa passed away at around primary 5 ..
ya then back there and more chanting
i was beginning to feel the dizzy spells alr
and that priest just goes on chanting
wtf can't i have some peace?
and he said we need to go vegetarian for 49 days
SIAO SIAO SIAO
for one that requires to see meat in every meal go vegetarian?
that's impossible...
i dont see meat, i just simply lose my appetite
at least fish would be good...
so oh well, forget it...
we are alr eating meat on that very day
i dont care no longer
although it makes sense that killing 'lives' will have negative impact
but i dont think i should follow for 49 days...
that's simply too much to ask of me
i will not even follow for a day...
so as usual..MEAT! wakaka.
and my coughing is back
fever, hope it goes off soon
i dont wanna have a shortcircuited brain
and hope my mucus turns watery and clear again
im hoping to use more tissue and flood my bed
im so unhygenic (:

70th post.
turns out to be a fucking sad one.
life is fragile.
it took me more than 15 years to understand the true meaning.
it's too late.
i only realised it yesterday.
fuck.
it's too late.
i won't say why im crying now.
as tears well up and drop.
think this is the meaning of growing up and maturing.
i was too naive and playful for the last 15 years.
fuck.
it's too late now.
nothing can save it.
apparently, nothing.
guess i'll be taking one day off school.
but at least i made it in time to understand the meaning of it.
i dint regret anything.
(;

sorry winnie, dont mean to use yours as my 'exposition'
that turned out to be quite a failure. ):
but glad you dint take it to heart. (:

this should be one of my last post alr bah.
once sch starts, doubt i'll even have time to blog.
first phase will be the holiday tests.
fuck, i dint bother to study for it today.
feel that there are no one revising too.
still chiong'ing hw i guess.
wadeva. everyone's a little emo now.
who looks forward to sch?
maybe, but definitely not me.
i just told myself, eh tml need go sch alr.
then i was like, oh.

i have this bad and weird habit.
i compliment by saying good boy.
i rmb saying good boy to tc's dog, cheyenne, spelling correct?
when she's a she.
i said good boy to my cousin chengkiat
as well as his sisters.
just now when i was organising my files,
i said good boy to my files.
er...maybe i yearning too much for a son.

posting some random feelings today.
im going to have a driving license and a car :D
if i can't have a car or couldn't qualify for car license
i'll make sure my boyfriend or husband has both.
he'll become my chaffeur.wakaka.
after that mrt ride during peak hour, damn peak hour,
after i just got jostled into the train,
i swear i'll have transport by car.

speaking of which,
female drivers are just inferior to male drivers.
whenever some cars in front cork up,
people will just naturally think that,
eh wl, woman driver, confirm one.
even my mom thinks this way.
she can't even park the car at one go.
and sure enough, it's a female driver.
in comclusion, male drivers are just better.

all of a sudden, i and bro started liking to bully my mom.
although she still likes to nag and scold when she's fucked up,
her scoldings have reduced a lot lately.
maybe coz she's going thru..the opposite of puberty. wad you call that?
gen nian qi.
nah, mom's only 41+
maybe she wants to pull the age gap. maybe?
oh ya..im same height as her alr..wakaka.
but she always plays cheat. she wears heels.
my bro..much more taller.
hope he grows to 180, no 175.
pa is only 175..
pa cannot lose his zun yan. lol.

i have sth to share.
last year 2007, we are 15+
now in year 2008, we are 16-
interesting eh? (:

let me make one new year resolution here.
i think this will be the most important resolution.
it's a wish, but a wish that can come true.
it's not a unrealistic dream; it's a goal.
i wish to be more decisive.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!
WOOHOO!
WELCOME 2008!
when i dont really look forward to it. ):
means sch reopens and sch ends at 4pm. siao.
staying past 12am wasn't hard for me. it's damn easy.
coz not one day in the entire holiday did i sleep before 12am. haha.
average sleeping time is 1am bah. sometimes 1.30 or 2 for tv.
think im getting older.
the older you are, the less sleep you need.
i wake up at 8am like everyday?
im so disciplined. wakaka.

rmb'ing last year 2007,
i dint even bother to count down.
i just slept. haha.
so no mood right?
dint really regret it.
coz i was alr dozing off on the sofa.

this year. 2008
dint even bother to watch the tv to count down.
i only knew it was 0000 when ppl started saying happy new year to me.
a bit toot eh

hope wishes can come true.
dont believe they will.
cant feel the excitedness for 2008
suddenly i feel a little down
thinking of the hurdles ahead of me
fuck.
maybe im getting a little too vulgar nowadays.
(:
i feel more merry from merry christmas
coz i wished more ppl merry christmas.
anyway.
MERRY NEW YEAR!
nah
HAPPY NEW YEAR! (: